


Scars

by TripUpStairs



Series: Fallout [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-18
Updated: 2012-12-18
Packaged: 2017-11-21 10:13:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/596518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TripUpStairs/pseuds/TripUpStairs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Quinn hides her scars.  Rachel does too.  Saturday Night Glee-ver fallout.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scars

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is more of a therapeutic self-endeavor after watching the horror that was Glee during the Saturday Night Glee-ver episode. I wrote it mostly for me, but I hope you guys enjoy it too. Continued in "

She doesn't quite understand why she feels so close to tears all the time.

Rachel wants him so much. She does. She was…is serious about marriage. He is everything she ever wanted. Handsome, popular, adequate vocal and leading man capability, and, most importantly, he loves her. He does! She never thought someone like him could love her. She is an outcast. A loser in a small town that very few manage to escape. Lima's very own Hester Prynne (except she has typically worn slushie and not a scarlet "A", and Quinn might actually fit Hester a bit better all things considered. But Quinn is... Rachel's getting ahead of herself). She has always done something wrong in the eyes of her peers—her clothes, for instance. Or her nose or her hobbies or her need to fill silence with run-on sentences and the audible poetry of music. She always knew who she was though, and where she was going. That's how she got through before him.

Having Finn is right. He had chosen her. He loves her. And she still can't believe it. Now that she has him, she'll do anything she can to keep him. Anything to make him happy.

She has the scars of what it was like before him. They may not be visible, but they exist in the slush stains on her clothes, the graffiti in the bathroom, and the cruel nicknames that still can be heard in the hallways.

The scars stay with her. They haunt her, reminding her of life before Finn. The thought of accumulating more terrifies her. At least Finn loves her. She'll do anything for him. She doesn't want to return to that life she had before now that she's on the other side. She never thought someone like him would love her.

…At least not until she made it out of Lima.

But he does love her, and he tries so hard. That's what matters. This isn't Disney though, and everything comes with a price. She has to make sacrifices for him. It's part of being together. You compromise and adjust your dreams right? It's okay if the thought of not making it to Broadway because she has to support him feels like a hand is squeezing her heart because she still has him. She has him and was New York ever a sure thing anyway?

She knows she's being silly in some ways. Even if her and Finn were to break up tomorrow, things have changed so much. She has friends now along with her talent and work ethic. Friends like Quinn.

Somewhere between the slaps and the name-calling, they became friends. She never hated Quinn, even when they were at their lowest and most petty. And Quinn has soothed over so many of her scars this year just by being there, being her friend, and giving her honest advice. She wishes she listened more closely.

Quinn is the other reason she feels so close to tears all the time.

When Rachel sees a glimpse of blonde hair, her heart races. She looks into hazel eyes, and she feels like breaking. She talks to Quinn, but she has to hold back a whimper. She touches her and wants to protect her from everything that has hurt her. She's always been drawn to Quinn, even in their darker days. She thinks it's almost impossible for someone not to be because how else does Quinn so easily demand her attention. Quinn is so beautiful, but so much more than that too.

It's only become more obvious the closer Rachel has gotten to her.

But lately, her relationship with Finn has just been one crisis, one sacrifice after another. She wants to scream, to sing an angry ballad, something, anything because New York and Broadway. And because Quinn.

Instead it's been disco and yet another sacrifice for Finn (because he loves her). She's hardly even seen Quinn the past week. She feels the tears building again. It's lunch hour, and she forsakes her friends in the cafeteria to claim solace on the stage of the auditorium. Maybe she'll actually sing.

She catches sight of Quinn through the crowded hallway instead. Simultaneously, her heart jumps to her throat and the corners of her lips quirk upward. Before she realizes what she's doing, she's pushing her way through the hallway to her. Battling her way through the bodies in the hallway, she sees Joe pushing Quinn's chair. She feels an odd stirring in her chest, and all she knows is she has to talk to Quinn right now.

She catches movement out of the corner of her eye before she can get closer.

Her first thought is please no! It's been so long! But she's not the target the jock has in mind. She wishes it were though.

"Sup Teen Jesus!" The nickname, harmless from Brittany, is cruel from the meathead. "Heard you join glee club? Here's your welcome present!"

The jock chortles, sauntering away as Joe stands disbelieving, dreadlocks dripping. Rachel's heart hammers. Not for his sake (even though she likes him just fine thank you very much), but for Quinn, her pale blouse stained red from getting caught in the line of fire and the wet fabric clinging to her skin.

Rachel quickly intervenes, cutting through the scene as her peers lose interest in just another slushie attack and head to the cafeteria for lunch. "Joe, are you okay?" She doesn't give him a chance to another. "I'll take Quinn with me if you would like to remove yourself to the boys' restroom for cleanup."

He nods. "Sorry Quinn," he says, looking down at her. "I wish you didn't have to be apart of that."

Quinn's eyes flicker to Rachel before settling on Joe. "It's okay," she says softly. "I wish you didn't either."

Rachel ignores the sudden need to have Joe as far from Quinn's presence as possible. She's being unreasonable. Joe's a nice enough guy. Rachel steals the handles of Quinn's chair as he moves, waving goodbye.

"I still keep a change of clothes in my locker," she says.

"It's fine," Quinn says shortly. She takes a breath and says in a much more even tone, " I have extra clothes with me. And I can wheel myself."

"Oh," is the only thing Rachel can say. A moment more and she collects her thoughts enough to speak again. "Let me help Quinn. You just sit tight, and I'll wheel us to the bathroom."

"I said I got it," Quinn snaps. Her arms jump to the wheels, but Rachel hangs onto the wheelchair, pushing them closer to the bathroom.

"I want to help," Rachel protests. She can hear the whine in her voice, and she hates herself for it. This isn't supposed to be about her.

Quinn's shoulders stiffen, but she begrudgingly sighs a "fine."

Rachel beams. She's pleased that she can help Quinn because she hasn't really been able to so far. Quinn might have come back to school, but Rachel still feels like she hasn't seen her. And they share all their AP classes together along with Glee.

"Where have you been this week?" Rachel asks as she wheels Quinn into the thankfully empty bathroom. It's lunch hour, and they are pretty far from the cafeteria so Rachel thinks they should remain alone.

"PT," Quinn says softly. "That's why I have the extra clothes. I'm heading there straight after school."

"Does… does it hurt?" Rachel says, afraid to ask, but more afraid not to. She turns on the facet, waiting for the water to warm up.

"Yeah," Quinn says. "Nothing can compare to when they took me off morphine the first time. But it hurts and it's exhausting…"

"Is that why you haven't been here much?"

Quinn sighs. "It's hard to come to school, watch all your friends dance, and also have every damn thing hurt the whole time."

Rachel wants to hug her, touch her, run her fingers through her hair; something, anything to have physical contact. Someone so pretty shouldn't be in so much pain. She's thankful too that Quinn is actually talking to her. But that's the way it's been since Sectionals. Quinn has actually been talking to her. She refuses to take it for granted-not when every little conversation causes Quinn to open up a little more. Or at least it had before the accident.

"I'm sorry I haven't been there more," Rachel says. "I just feel like—" She clamps her mouth shut. She feels like everything is happening at once. Finn, New York, NYADA, Nationals…Quinn. But this isn't about her.

Quinn's quiet. Hazel eyes are wide and staring at her, looking at her, weighing her. Rachel feels the tears coming again so she quickly springs into action.

"Let me help you," she says.

Quinn wheels backwards so quickly that Rachel can't help the hurt that crosses her face. They wait at a standstill, appraising each other. Then Quinn bites her lip, and Rachel dies a little on the inside at the sight of Quinn looking so torn. She forgets her own hurt and racing thoughts on why Quinn would so quickly back away from her.

"Sorry," Quinn murmurs, "I just…"

"It's okay," Rachel says, even though it's not.

"Can you just… Can you get my clothes out of my bag?"

"Of course."

Rachel opens the Vera Bradley backpack hanging from the back of Quinn's chair, finding a simple blue V-neck and black yoga pants inside on top of a couple of textbooks. Quinn fidgets in front of her the entire time.

She hands the clothes to Quinn, who keeps her gaze turned down. They're at a standstill again. Rachel waits for further instructions, hovering above Quinn. And Quinn fidgets some more, arranging and rearranging her clothes on her lap before looking up at her. Rachel holds back a gasp when she sees red-rimmed eyes. If anything though, it makes her hazel eyes so green that Rachel can't help but stare and stare.

"Can you turn around?" Quinn asks softly, brokenly.

Rachel nods. Her chest feels tight. She's afraid if she speaks, she'll cry too because she understands now. Quinn doesn't want her to see her like this. Rachel hates herself for not trying earlier. Forget Finn. Forget her sacrifices. This is what should have mattered this week. She should have been there. This isn't about her though, so she turns around. Her hands clutch together somewhere near her chest. She bows her head and takes a shuddering breath as she hears the rustle of clothes behind her.

The rustling clothes, no matter how soft, thunder in her ears. Rachel finds herself wanting to turn around. She can't explain it, any further than just this need to see Quinn, to tell her she has her no matter what. Quinn's so pretty, but she's so much more than that.

"…f-fuck…"

The curse breaks the silence, and Rachel can't resist any longer—not when Quinn sounds so desolate and frustrated.

Rachel turns and takes in a breath at the sight before her. Quinn's body shakes with repressed sobs, her arms tangled in her blue V-neck. She looks up, red eyes meeting her gaze.

"Rachel, no. Please! N-No, turn around," Quinn says, her voice shaking to match the shudder of her body. Even riddled with emotion, Quinn's voice still holds an edge to it.

Rachel ignores the command and steps forward. She swallows back the lump in her throat.

"I don't want you to see." The edge waivers, and then it's complete gone as Quinn echoes her own words. "I don't want you to see!"

The scars, Rachel knows. Quinn doesn't want her to see the scars. Her face has healed so well, but her clothes hide the worst of it. Quinn's abdomen and left side are riddled with marks. The worst is a long surgical gash that runs across her ribs and down her side. The skin there is puckered and slightly discolored.

Quinn had never looked so small.

For all her height and presence, Quinn had always been a small girl. She's even smaller now.

So Rachel steps forward and helps her with her shirt, gently, so gently, untangling it from her arms. She stops before pulling it all the way down, her eyes meeting Quinn's. Without dropping her gaze, she reaches out and cups Quinn's face.

"You're still so beautiful Quinn," she says. It's true. Made even truer by the choked sob that escapes Quinn's lips.

She drops her left hand from Quinn's face and reaches out to the blemished skin. Quinn breathes deeply as Rachel traces the largest scar with her fingers. "The scars are beautiful too Quinn."

"I didn't want you to see," Quinn says as Rachel's hand leaves her skin.

Rachel wishes she could keep her hand against Quinn longer. She just wants to touch Quinn, anything to keep her safe and feeling loved and protected. She wonders why she never feels this need with Finn.

"You survived. You always have," Rachel says. "It's beautiful."

Quinn sniffs, her eyes close. "I didn't want you to see any of it. It's awful. Not just the scars. I've never felt so helpless in my life. I've only just gotten to the point that I can use the bathroom and shower by myself. And that's with the handicap bars. It's…it's humiliating."

Rachel bites her lip. "You're making progress though. Can I… Can I come with you to physical therapy today?"

Quinn looks away. "Rachel, I…"

Her heart jumps when Quinn says her name. It always does.

"...There's a reason I haven't told you much about my therapy."

The words hang heavy between them. There's so much more to what Quinn says, Rachel knows. Her memory flashes to Quinn staring at her after singing "Never Can Say Goodbye." She bites back any insistence, any probing, any anything, and instead says, "May I help you with your pants?"

Quinn looks taken aback at the abrupt change in subject and then her cheeks color. "…Please, I wouldn't have been able to do it easily by myself anyway."

Rachel is so aware of Quinn and every brush of her hands against the other girl as she reaches around her waist. She feels her own cheeks blushing and warmth blossom from her chest. She searches for words to lighten the mood, to distract both of them. She says the first thing that comes to mind. "So everything still works down there?"

Oh my god. Dear Barbra why!

She can't believe what just came out of her mouth. Quinn seems to have stopped breathing altogether.

"Quinn, I'm, oh, god—" Rachels sputters, suddenly distinctively aware that she is level with Quinn's chest and pulling Quinn's jeans down over her hips.

"Yes," Quinn says stiffly.

Rachel looks everywhere but at Quinn's face, which mostly just means she's stuck looking at Quinn's chest or her lap. She colors even more. She's certain her cheeks will actually catch fire shortly. And now all she can think about is Quinn's plumbing and wonders if sex would even be possible right at the moment for Quinn. Then that leads to the thought of what it would be like to actually touch Quinn like that. Quinn who is so pretty and smart and broken and just needs someone to show her how much she is loved. And she's right here, pulling down Quinn's pants and…

Rachel wants to die.

Thankfully, Quinn saves her. Her question is rushed and she stumbles over the words. "How are things with Finn?"

Finn. Rachel suddenly wonders when the last time she thought about Finn like…like how she just thought about Quinn. "They're…they're okay. Things have been stressful lately."

"I'm sorry. I did want you to be happy," Quinn says, her hand is resting on Rachel's shoulder. Rachel can feel the weighted heat through her clothes.

"No, don't apologize. It's not you. It's us and the future."

Quinn is quiet for a moment as Rachel finally manages to get her jeans all the way off. "You have NYADA auditions coming up don't you?"

Rachel tries to avoid looking at Quinn's panties, but she can't help but notice she's wearing a red cotton pair. She hopes her cheeks don't match their color. "Yes, I've been preparing. It's been hard finding the time though."

"Has Finn been helping?"

"He's been more caught up in what he wants to do after graduation. I've been helping him," Rachel says. She exchanges jeans for yoga pants and slides Quinn's legs into them.

"Rachel…" There's something hesitant in Quinn's voice.

"He loves me," she says. "I want to find him something he wants to do."

"You are making time for yourself and your dreams right?" Quinn says. "The future isn't a joke."

"I know that Quinn." She can't keep the edge out of her voice. "That's why I've been helping him."

Quinn sighs. "Do you remember what I told you last year before regionals?"

"What does that…? Never mind, yes, of course I do. I wrote a song about it remember?"

"You are better than Lima. I've always known that, and I hated you for it. I hated how you could dream so big and hated knowing you had talent to make those dreams a reality. I hated it so much, but I owe my drive to get out of here to you. You made me believe in myself," Quinn says.

"You're so smart though Quinn! You would have gotten out of here regardless. You don't get into Yale by chance." Rachel says.

"My mother is smart too, but look where that got her for so many years. I thought that would be me too. I thought that's all I could aspire too."

"You're so special Quinn. So special." Rachel's heart aches at how true it is and how Quinn could possibly think of herself as anything less.

"I have you to thank for that. For making me believe in myself… Making me believe I could be more than Lima and high school." Rachel finishes pulling up Quinn's yoga pants. She hears and feels Quinn take a deep breath as she steps back. "Rachel, whatever you do, please don't let Finn hold you back. Put your dreams first and the rest will fall into place. I want you to be happy."

"Finn makes me happy," Rachel says and sighs as she sees Quinn scowl. "He loves me Quinn."

"Do you love him?" Quinn shoots. She doesn't give Rachel any space to answer. She rolls her chair forward until her knees are nudging against Rachel's space. Rachel refuses to step back. "The girl I wanted to hate, the girl I wanted to hate so bad because it would have been so much easier, would not let anything stand in the way of her dreams. This is high school. I realize it now, I didn't know at first, but there is so much more out there. You taught me that. Be with Finn if he supports you as much as you support him. Be with Finn if he won't hold you back. But can you honestly look me in the eye and say Finn Hudson is good for your dreams? That Finn Hudson will support you one hundred percent even when things aren't going his way? That Finn will wake up every morning to kiss you goodbye and read scripts with you and make you a vegan-friendly breakfast? That Finn will meet you halfway? That Finn won't make you sacrifice yourself to make him feel better?

Quinn's staring at her so intently that Rachel feels that she can see every little secret she's ever held. "Q-Quinn, what are you saying?"

Quinn takes another breath and reaches out. He hand is warm in Rachel's. Her thumb runs over her knuckles. "I'm saying Rachel that I've always… admired you because you had a dream and talent to match it that was bigger than this stupid town. That you can't let some high school boy take away what makes you, you. I know I don't have a good track record with relationships, but what I do know is that relationships are about making each other better. They should never just be one person taking everything and giving nothing in return."

"He loves me though… I don't want to go back to what it was like before." Rachel says.

"Before?"

"The constant bullying, the name-calling, everything."

"Oh god," Quinn chokes, her hand clenching Rachel's tight enough to feel uncomfortable. "Oh god."

"Quinn?" Rachel exclaims, kneeling down so she is between Quinn's knees.

"It's what I deserve isn't it?"

"What?" Rachel says, but Quinn's eyes settle on her, hazel hard and unyielding.

"Rachel," Quinn's voice is strangled. "That was me! That was me because I was terrified. That was me because I was a coward. I've ruined it!"

"Quinn please," Rachel says, voice laced with desperation, "what are you talking about?"

Quinn's eyes soften. She brushes her tears away with a free hand. "You're still with him because I instigated all those things." She's regained control of her emotions, her voice settling back into its normal steady timbre.

"That wasn't all you Quinn." Rachel says. "Finn, Puck, Santana, and others all played apart too. And I know that I was not the easiest to get along with either."

"I did more than my fair share."

"Quinn, I know enough about you to know that nothing comes with an easy explanation. You know I've long forgiven you of such things. We've both had less than stellar moments of character when it comes to each other."

Quinn half-smiles, "That's true."

"The fact that I'm with Finn does help to ease those early wounds of high school," Rachel's says hesitantly, and Quinn's smile drops.

And again, they're at a standstill. Heavy silence hangs between them and Rachel is very aware of Quinn's hand in hers. Then Quinn is pulling her, murmuring "come here" and Rachel finds herself in Quinn's lap. Quinn's arms circle her, and Rachel feels safe and protected, and suddenly very, very aware of how much she has been sacrificing for Finn.

"I miss singing," Rachel says quietly, her head tucked enough Quinn's jaw. "It's funny isn't it? I sing everyday. But I miss singing for the fun and enjoyment and bringing those same glorious feelings to everyone else. I feel like every song has been for Finn lately. I miss singing for me." Quinn's hand is rubbing circles on her back and it's so relaxing. Rachel has never felt so secure. "Quinn, what do I do?"

"I got you," Quinn whispers into her hair. The three words reverberate into Rachel's skin, bones, and right into her soul.

She didn't realize, in her effort to soothe the scars, that her dreams were slowly oozing out of an open, bleeding wound.


End file.
